Because we have traditionally viewed children in a sub-standard light in terms of how they are regarded/treated, we have also come to change the way in which certain words are applied to them. ‘Discipline’ is one of those words. Over time, we have changed the definition of ‘discipline’ as it commonly applies to children, to mean ‘punishment’, or ‘coercion’. Many of us fail to notice that the word “discipline” is used differently when applied to adults.
So, just as we’ve changed the definitions of words to describe how we relate to children, it becomes necessary to add positive to describe what is otherwise an integral part of ‘discipline’. For example, it suffices to say that we ‘love’ other adults, but we’ve so convoluted the definition of ‘love’ when it comes to children, that one will find many referring to ‘unconditional love’ when it comes to really loving children (for example, the adult definition of a loving relationship does not include hitting or bullying).
The concept of discipline was originally intended to describe a ‘learning-teaching’ process, with the ‘disciple’ being the student. If we can look upon discipline related to parenting as a ‘student-teacher’ process, we can begin to see how the word ‘positive’ can be made a part of the term ‘discipline’.
Over time, we’ve come to learn that optimal learning does not take place in a punitive environment. Teachers are taught to have patience when teaching, and this patience is enhanced through teachers being taught to have an understanding of why children fail to learn quickly, why they might resist learning, and why they might fail to act as requested. This learning principle of non-punitive instruction has by now reached a point where it’s considered common knowledge that punishment is no longer seen as an effective or viable ‘teaching tool’ within any learning environment.
In addition, science has also long since discovered that the brain cognitively processes the learning of expected behaviors in the same way it processes other cognitive learning, such as learning how to read. Nevertheless, we continue to teach behavior through punishment largely unabated. Truth is, we should no more punish children for making repeated mistakes in learning how to read than punish them for repeated mistakes in learning how to behave. Likewise, we shouldn’t attempt to force a child to learn how to read, anymore than we should attempt to force a child to learn acceptable behaviors. Both approaches are fraught with risk and can even prove to be counter-productive.
There may be a number of reasons as to why we may have continued to more closely associate ‘discipline’ with ‘punishment’ more so than associating ‘discipline’ with ‘teaching’. Some of the reasons for this might include, 1. Our deeply ingrained formative-years orientation toward punishment. 2. A related propensity for retribution. 3. The traditional concept of forcing children to respect authority (or authoritarian adults).
I’m sure we can all appreciate having observed that when it comes to ‘getting even’ against those who have offended our sensibilities, small children make easy targets. Related to this, we also know that many parents are very quick to feel offended when it comes to the issue of children failing to display acceptable levels of respect. And, at times, these parents can be found demanding their due respect through force. Another related factor that serves to compound this ‘respect issue’ involves our socially traditional propensity to confuse ‘respect’ with ‘fear’...fact is, we can certainly teach fear through coercion, but we cannot teach respect in that same manner. But, as things stand, we still generally tend to equate respect with fear or awe, instead of the actual definition that describes ‘respect’ as ‘holding another or others in high regard/high esteem.
I would say that positive discipline is more a matter of attitude toward children. It’s an approach toward child-rearing that is 1. Dependent on an understanding of why children behave as they do. 2. A tolerance toward their developmental inabilities, 3. And, an added patience that comes with an increased awareness of their behavior.
One might ask for an example of positive discipline. Well, I’d go right on attempting to effectively teach instead of halting the process for some form of punishment when a mistake is made. The punishment would only interrupt, perhaps even counter, the goal of the lesson. After all, the use of coercion does not a good teacher make.
WHAT ABOUT PRAISE AND REWARDS?
The qualifications and credentials related to my professional background pale drastically in comparison to the significance of my parenting experiences. I've had the great privilege to have raised two children who eventually went-on to become adults of exceptional inner-beauty and strength. Who they have become as human beings has acted to firmly cement my attitudes and beliefs toward child-rearing approaches, child behavior, and learning theory. As a result, most of what I once held as theory, possibility, speculation, and hope related to child-rearing practices, has since taken the form of confirmed proof in my eyes. That which I once expressed with wary caution has evolved into a strong sense of conviction that slowly developed over the years through the seemingly 'magical' wonder I've so enjoyed witnessing on the part of my kids throughout their lives. All of this in addition to the surprising ease of parenting that results from the simple existence of mutual adoration and respect.
There later came a time when I found myself faced with the realization that my kids had reached a level of emotional sophistication and maturity that left me looking like a knuckle-dragging cave-dweller in comparison (although this never diminished my feeling a sense of great fulfillment and gratification). I must say that while it can be a humbling experience to see your children reach a level of personal growth which exceeds your own, it is nevertheless an experience of such profound magnitude that one is filled with a sense of knowing what it is to live life to its fullest. It is such an enriching, affirming, gratifying realization to experience that I dearly wish every parent of every child could one day come to know it. In my past travels on Internet parenting boards, it has seemed to some that I am 'anti-parent' in the name of Child Advocacy. Truth is, I'm a Parent Advocate as well.
I was (and still remain) a cheerleader for my kids. They've informed me of a number of related childhood memories, and neither can recall any negative memories, or lingering negative consequences of being praised or rewarded. Of possibly related significance, they've always felt that I was 'on their side', and could be counted-on to 'be there' for them regardless of the circumstances.
From my standpoint, they were adored from the get-go, and I would submit that this adoration provided them with a sense of worth, and unquestioned security. In turn, the satisfaction of these basic needs for love and acceptance, allowed them to developmentally move-on to seek the satisfaction of higher needs at an accelerated pace during their formative years. And, as a directly related consequence of this process, they developed a high level of self-esteem, independence, confidence, and emotional strength.
My kids were given extrinsic rewards, usually in the form of money. When such occasions arose, they were rewarded by receiving compensation for helping me with work or chores which served my self-interests, but failed to serve their own self-interests (the exception was when they volunteered to pitch-in and help-out to just be with me, or to (later-on) simply chose to exercise their developing sense of teamwork and group cooperation by volunteering to 'help the cause'. They were also rewarded with my praise.... heart-felt, sincere praise which served to convey my approval of them as people. It was always nurturing, reaffirming praise that also conveyed the depth of my love, gladness for their gladness, and a pride in who they were. It was praise that provided them with a sense of empowerment and importance in this world.
I thought they were wonderful, lovely people and I told them so...what a disservice it would have been not share such feelings with them. And, because they could always count on my sincerity, and knew that I honored them as human beings who were worthy of dignity and respect, they tended to respect and consider what I told them. If I had ever unwittingly praised them in way that left them feeling un-nurtured, uncomfortable, or even manipulated, they must have been very quick to forgive my mistake. And why not? Shouldn't kids experience the knowledge that their parents love them more than anyone, and think more highly of them than the other adults they encounter in the world around them? Is it so hard to fathom that a child might come to feel that 'mommy can be forgiven for too much gushing over me once in a while because she loves me so much'? According to some, my praises should have caused the kids to become 'conditioned' into needy 'praise seekers' (praise junkies). Fact is they were anything but. On the contrary, they had come to know that they were good, competent, and worthwhile young people.
This positive self-concept provided them with a sufficiently high level of independence and strength to enable them to develop a desire to function as their own agents from very early on. They were quick to stand-up for themselves, and have always been leaders among their peers and numerous close friends. The people in their lives are more likely to come to them for praise, affirmation, approval, or support, rather than the other way around. Their strength (self-esteem) leaves them with little need to display more typically seen needs to reaffirm acceptability, gain reassurance, or seek the approval of others in an attempt to quell related insecurities.
My kids knew that I had a desire to please them when I could, and they displayed a like desire to please me in turn (much in the same way as mutual respect becomes established). I can't stress enough how important it is for parents to have a clear understanding of the fact that children's natural propensity to please parents should not be perceived as children displaying behavior that could cause them to become 'praise dependent'. It's a negative perception that could be conducive to a negative response by the parent, or responded to in an unenthusiastic, dissatisfying, un-nurturing, manner that could also serve to cause eventual discouragement, with the child finally giving-up on the idea of being able to generate a sharing of mutual enthusiasm and excitement on the part of the parent. Unfortunately, the development of this decreased desire to please the parent creates the risk of causing there to be a reduction in the number of opportunities for meaningful, nurturing, positive interactions that occur between the parent and the child.
For example, a kid finding themselves having cold water thrown on the joy and excitement of their new discovery, or newfound ability, by a largely restrained, subdued 'no praise' parent, might say to themselves something like, ‘Gee whiz, I thought I did really well and even got all excited about it, but then mommy/daddy just gave me a lukewarm, dissatisfying, 'Thank you, you must be pleased with your effort'. Well, maybe I didn't do as well as I thought I did. Maybe I don't do as well as I think I do on other things as well.’ Obviously, the risk here is that the child starts to develop some inner-doubts related to self-perception. Perhaps she/he comes to believe that they lack the ability to accurately evaluate the level of their abilities, competence, and maybe even their adequacy.
I have to say that praise makes us feel good because we possess a need for acceptance and approval, on both a social and intimate level. True enough, it’d be nice at times if we could simply depend on ourselves without having to depend on others around us to reaffirm our value and worth in this world. But, unfortunately, we don’t fare well in the absence of positive social interaction, social approval, and being recognized for our successes and contributions through social acclaim, or monetary gain as a reward.
As some might claim, I don’t see us as having become dependent on praise as a result of having been praised throughout our childhoods to the extent that we become ‘other-directed’ by coming to determine our behavior based on a conditioned need to gain praise from others. As a matter of fact, I’d suggest that a child who has reaped the high level of self-esteem commonly associated with high-approval, frequent praise, and recognized achievement, becomes an adult who exhibits a lower level of need for the approval of others.
I should also add that in my experience, maltreated children coming from abusive or neglectful homes display a much higher level of need for positive interaction than is typically seen in children. These often emotionally starved children are highly responsive to praise, approval, reward, acceptance, and being treated with a respect that provides them with an all-important sense of having worth and value in this world. There isn’t any ‘having grown dependent on praise’ on the part of many of these kids...they are simply in greater need of feeling the love that comes through sincere, un-prescribed, unadulterated, praise/positive reinforcement, in any shape, form, or context.
I would strongly suggest that loving relationships are built on mutual approval and high-regard...a shared high level of esteem held by both parties toward one another, which becomes established largely through mutual expressions of praise. Most of us spend a good deal of our lives in a quest to find this blissfully unparalleled level of unquestioned approval and uncompromising acceptance.and we reach it through the highest level of praise being expressed in it’s purist, most concentrated form. It’s a process that we know as ‘falling in love’.
I’ve noted that some ‘Positive Parenting’ advocates have taken an ‘anti-praise, anti-reward’ position and can be heard arguing that they can't turn away from all of the research evidence that shows that rewarding (even with praise) reduces interest in the rewarded activity. I’d have to say that this position could serve as highly misleading to some. Although it might be correct to assert that ‘rewarding (even with praise) reduces interest in the rewarded activity’, such assertions, in of themselves, could be used as a means to indict all praise and rewards as being counter-productive in the long-term, and a mere means of manipulation in the short-term. It is a position that runs the risk of being interpreted to mean that rewards and praise can cause a loss of interest in the activity being rewarded. Sad indeed.
Originally, it was B.F. Skinner who showed that continual, unremitting positive reinforcement related to a specific activity would eventually decrease in effectiveness over time (extinguishment). But, there are significant factors that need to be taken into consideration. 1. Once the behavior has been learned, there is an understandably decreased need to motivate the desired behavior through reward. 2. We tend to take for granted that which we have come to know and expect, and consequently, we tend to develop a decreased dependence on external stimuli to motivate behavior that has since become internalized learning already mastered. Such learning is prone to becoming intrinsically motivated (as in newly adopted routine.) These factors (as described by Skinner) in no way suggest that ‘rewards cause a loss of interest’… a simply misconstrued and highly misleading notion.
The examples of diminishing returns related to continuously presented positive reinforcement targeted at a specific behavior, are boundless. A prime example can be seen on the occasion when babies take their first step and we immediately respond with howls of approval and praise. If we were still reacting to babies taking steps with the same degree of positive reinforcement after a years time, it would be perfectly reasonable to assume that babies would be by now totally unaffected by our now largely meaningless carrying-on, and would probably be more likely to instead begin questioning our sincerity, or soundness of mind.
Along these same lines, I have to say that I’ve never heard of a ballplayer losing interest in their sport as a result of being continuously praised and rewarded every time they scored a run or got a base hit. I’ve heard it said that the roar of the crowd alone, can serve as a sufficient enough promise of reward to keep some players coming back for just one more year to chance being able to again recapture some of those glorious rewards so previously enjoyed in past years. Many players hang-on even if reaping those coveted rewards has by now become a much less likely possibility.
Where children are concerned, the value of praise and rewards is much greater than it is for the ballplayer. There’s certainly no doubt that children are often met with frustration, and failure, as they struggle through the process of learning to master a skill, or successfully achieving a desired goal. What a shame it would be for any parent to withhold praise or rewards that can be employed for the purpose of providing encouragement and support. Such offers of support can serve as very effective tools in helping the child get past those inevitable roadblocks along the way. This notion of withholding of praise would be an especially unfortunate shame if the parent remained silent as a result of having been sold on the idea that praise or reward will cause the child to lose interest in the activity in question.
I do agree with the position holding that it would be nice if more of us were less co-dependent, or other-directed. It is most certainly a self-esteem issue, and I think that the road to self-reliance, independence, and emotional strength, is built on a deeply entrenched foundation of high self-esteem. This to me represents the most important beneficial aspect of ‘positive discipline’. No doubt, it’s an enlightened approach toward child rearing which provides an environment for children offering non-violent, non-coercive attitudes toward child rearing. For me, it’s also an approach that should never fail to include unrestrained, enthusiastic, sincerely felt, expressions of love, approval, acceptance, encouragement, support, and confidence. These are the characteristics of any successful relationship, and I think it’s important to note that they are feelings that are largely conveyed and established through spontaneous praise and various forms of reward. I realize this view tends to alarm some parents whose first priority is to prevent producing a ‘spoiled brat’, but such fears are largely unwarranted.
I’d also like to add that in my years of working with kids and parents in various professional capacities, I can say in all honesty that I’ve never encountered a child or adult who had been negatively effected on any level through having been called a ‘good boy or girl, man or woman’ nor have I encountered anyone who displayed an over-dependence on winning praise from others as a basis for behavior resulting from early-on forms of praise or rewards, nor, for that matter, anyone who possessed unrealistic self-expectations through being told too often that they were ‘wonderful’, ‘terrific’, and/or ‘great’. I have also never encountered anyone who had suffered as a result of their mother gushing profusely over the beauty of their child's artistic endeavors, mastered skills, or successfully achieved goals and accomplishments.
The crime being committed on the part of these seemingly opportunistic proponents of ‘harmful praise’, and ‘punishing rewards’ isn’t being perpetrated through the notions they promote per se. No, to me the real crime is being committed through the confusion, fear, and uncertainty, these praise theorists instill in parents which come at the expense of the children's emotional needs being adequately satisfied. This circumstance offers an unacceptable level of risk regarding the potential for parents to find themselves silently avoiding offers of praise just to stay on the safe side, while perhaps remaining unaware of the possibility that each subsequent instance of silence, or seemingly cool indifference could cause their child to suffer a mounting deprivation of needed confidence, timely encouragement, crucial support, affirmation, the nurture of positive interaction, and perhaps even the loss of a measure of self-esteem.
We should be focusing on the ways in which we can provide an environment for our children that will serve to allow them to eventually reach their full potential as human beings, and enable them to find joy and happiness in life...rather than focusing on misguided notions that require we make our children feel fearful, rejected, and inadequate in the name of ‘good’ discipline. These things only serve as obstacles to the healthy emotional growth and development of our children.
