 Ive got to say that Im sick and tired of the bad rap everybody gives kids. A day doesnt go by that I dont hear some negative remark from some guy on the radio about what a pain in the butt their kids are, or 'teenagers have such a bad attitude,' or 'all teenagers rebel, you know how they are!' (Teens get the worst of it!) Are you one of those parents that lump your kids into groups by using these types of phrases: 'Hes going through the terrible Twos,' 'Shes blond, I dont expect much from her,' 'Boys are always better in math than girls,' 'Girls mature faster than boys,' or just, 'you know how kids are, wink wink nudge, nudge.' Do call your kids names such as stupid, looser, idiot, or tell them that they are 'good for nothing,' or 'theyll never amount to anything?'
What I wonder about is When did this negative attitude toward kids become socially acceptable? I mean,if people really feel this way about children, why the heck do they keep having them? Well, many people say they have their kids because they truly wanted them and love them more than life! Thats great, but, think about how you would answer this question:
How do you normally show a person that you truly love, how much you love them and how much you want them in your life? Or if youre not sure of the answer to that question, look at it this way: How would you like someone to show you that they love you?
- Should your mom, husband, best friend, or sister call you every day and tell you how stupid you are?
- How would it make you feel to have your coworkers lump you in with a group and put a label on you? For instance: Men are better suited for certain fields than women, such as IT or engineering.
Does hearing these things make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Or does it just piss you off and make you want to walk away from the person who said it? Me...? Well Id be the one walking away.
Most people think that the attitude that kids have, such as the terrible twos, stubborn adolescent, or rebellious teenager, are just phases that all kids go through and hopefully theyll grow out of it really soon. But its not just a phase or a bad attitude; its a direct reflection of how you treat them, or basically your bad attitude towards them!
Consider this example: My older brother was called 'stupid' and 'good for nothing' for most of his childhood. Im not sure what kind of behavior my father thought he would get as a result of these words, but Whatever 'phase' Johnny was going through never really did go away. He was always getting hit and yelled at for one (imagined) slight or another. It seems like for awhile that bad attention was better than no attention at all. His grades were always low and he didnt care much about schoolwork (Why bother? Afterall he was stupid) so he dropped out of school when he was sixteen and then left home. It wasnt much better for me...I left home as soon as I was out of highschool, five months before my 18th birthday.
Now that Im considered a 'grown up,' I can see that that was what we now call 'negative reinforcement.' And Ive also learned that it provides no motivation for good behavior, only bad.
So listen up, especially if youre one of 'those' parents talking about your children as if theyre the most inconvenint thing that ever happened in your life. If you want well behaved, respectful, decent children, YOU must change your attitude! I know, thats not what you expected to hear. But Ill tell you what: If you try one of these suggestions below, you will see a huge difference in your childs behaviour.
First, start with one of these phrases the next time you see your child:
- Im so proud of you - Im so glad your home - I love you - Youre my favorite son or daughter. (This one only works if you just have one son or daughter. My son always laughs and says, Im your only son, Mom.' 'Yep Alan, so its easier for you to be my favorite!')
Second, if you have a burning desire to call a child names, try a few of these:
- Incredibly smart - brilliant - good looking - loving - kind
Third, when they do do something wrong, repremand them or dole out whatever punishment goes with the bad behaviour*, then tell them you love them and move on. Dwelling on your childrens bad bahavior or blabbing about it to other parents really doesnt do anyone any favors.
Its becoming common knowledge these days that if you tell someone (or yourself) something about himself or herself long enough,they will
eventually believe it, and they will become it. And guess why? BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
From the moment my kids were born Ive wanted them to grow into well behaved, happy, socially adept, successfull adults, so Ive used all
of these labels in addition to bragging about their wonderful behavior any time theyre within earshot of a conversation with my friends.
The great thing is that neither of my kids has ever dissappointed me: When I tell them Im proud of them, they continue to make me proud!
Bottom line, your attitude toward your kids, about your kids, or kids in general, will have a direct affect on their behavior toward you, their interaction with every other person they ever encounter and it will affect all the decisions they ever
makes in their lives. Positive reinforcement is free, and it should be considered common sense!
So, do you want a better kid? Then pick a better attitude!
*For more information on discipline, read 'You Cant Love Your Children Too Much!' availabel on Amazon.com
Janet is the author of 'You Cant Love Your Children Too Much!' A single moms thoughts on raising children. Remarried in 2003, she was a single parent of two kids for the better part of 14 years and is a strong advocate of the belief that being a single parent is no excuse for raising juvenile delinquents. Read a sample chapter of this book at at www.ms-mom.com. or 'Read Inside the Book' at Amazon.com.
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